goodbye gramps ;'(

I’m still at the middle of my final exam, hardly revising, loading everything into this pathetically small capacity of mine, sigh, and managed to take two papers (now left one before off for sem break).

I lost my grandpa few days ago (he left on Sept 28th to be exact). He’s practically the only grandpa I have, as my father was growing up orphan. Literally was at my absolute shock receiving this death news bcs I wasn’t used to such situation. I don’t even know how to respond properly. It was out of my anticipation as I thought I might spending my sem break jaga him but Allah knows better and He always have a better plan.  I was at my top regret for not getting myself a proper, decent goodbye to say to him when I left for campus after the eid’s holiday. He was practically sleeping back then, so I just hold and shook his hands, without knowing it’s going to be our last.

Yeah, I have never experience someone that’s living with me for quite years, or someone who has been in my circle since forever, or someone who’s never out of my sight everytime I get back home, to eternally leaving me. Nor did I had someone lying peacefully with the white cloth covered the whole skin, with everyone reciting the Yaasiin, with such misery atmosphere to inhale, inside our house. It was my first time, as there will always be a first time. Everyone come, yet everyone leave. Indirectly, it tells me that death is genuinely real. And it was my first time hearing talkin. Allahu, save us from the torment of Hell, azab kubur. Indeed, the torment is also true. Learning RKA is truly worth it.

I considered myself lucky to have the privilege of taking good care of him when he was detained at the hospital few months ago. Obviously, like grab as much as free pahala lies there. Yet, I’m still a normal human, with feelings. Sometimes I was at my worst, so I didn’t really put much effort on him. I’m sorry datok if I ever hurt you. I knew sometimes I wasn’t at my best service. I was incapable. Like I didn’t possess enough strength to mandikan him (whenever he requested back at the hospital) though I was struggling mandikan him alone which is truly a mess but I tried really hard and alhamdulillah everything is fine. Sometimes, I was preoccupied with the shallow thoughts of how I’d wasted my time there doing nothing, which is obviously my fault lah for being sucks at killing time there. Somehow, I wish time turner is really invented but you know I might thank you, it was a good lesson for me.

Just for now, I hope you are resting well there. Lots of prayers and thoughts, wishing we’ll meet again soon enough. We’ll miss u a lot. Al-fatihah.


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